


Butterfly Effect

by Groot_the_tree



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Amnesia, Arguing, Brain Damage, Brotherly Affection, Caring Sebastian, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Dark Past, Depression, Drinking, Drunk Sebastian Moran, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt Jim Moriarty, Hurt/Comfort, Jim Has Issues, Jim Moriarty Lives, Light Angst, M/M, Making Up, Nightmares, Past Child Abuse, Past Murder, Poor Sebastian, Post-Reichenbach, Relationship Problems, Richard Brook was REAL, Sebastian Moran/Jim Moriarty Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, though it was an accident and not intentional, vague mention of domestic violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23027806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Groot_the_tree/pseuds/Groot_the_tree
Summary: "He didn’t know where he was or, even more concerning, who he is.Looking around the room that was entirely too white, he became aware of two things. The sterile smell and the pounding pain in his head."---Jim shoots himself on the rooftop but was that the plan and can he make it through? Will Sebastian be able to revenge him?
Relationships: Sebastian Moran/Jim Moriarty
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

He didn’t know where he was or, even more concerning, who he is. 

Looking around the room that was entirely too white, he became aware of two things. The sterile smell and the pounding pain in his head. 

Then there was the sound of beeping that was increasing, rapidly, that terrified him. Why was it seeming to get louder, closer and why was it happening more often? What would cause something like that? Were those the sound of footsteps coming closer, running at him?

He had no answers but it didn’t matter because soon enough, the darkness surrounded him, the sounds left and he was floating in his unconsciousness once again.

—

Sebastian was sitting in a chair beside the bed, looking to the clock he was vaguely aware that he had been sitting there for four hours and refusing to leave this room again. He had stepped out for a trip to the restroom and a coffee and when he returned he was informed Jim had woke up and they had to put him back under. In the ten minutes, he had gone.

That was the longest he had left Jim’s room for a week. 

The entire week there had been no sign of Jim waking up. Sebastian just assumed it would be fine to step out for a couple of moments. Apparently, he was wrong. Or Jim decided he was wrong, leave it to his boss to be this level of difficulty. 

So now there was only one thing to do. He was going to sit in this chair and keep his time out of the room to five minutes at the most, less if he could. The next time Jim wakes up, Sebastian will be here waiting for him to open his eyes. 

He will be able to take his hand, reassure him, let him know he’s not alone. Jim must have been terrified, even if he wouldn’t admit it in the future. If he even remembers it. 

If only the other hadn’t been so stupid. If only he hadn’t let the other carry out this plan.

He knew it was risky, they both did. But Sebastian has this issue where he would do anything his boss says, as soon as the words leave his mouth. All he wants is for Jim Moriarty to be happy and knows that standing in his way wouldn’t allow that and would be a danger to his health as well. No one stands in the way of Jim Moriarty and lives through it.

And so he went along with it. He let the other man do as he pleased and that’s how they ended up here. 

Apparently, someone else knew the plan and decided to take Jim out on their own. Or make Jim take himself out. 

The fake gun had been swapped for a real one. In all the rush before that day, no one noticed that the very realistic gun had been swapped for a real one that was just a little heavier. It wasn’t brought up, Jim didn’t notice, Sebastian didn’t notice.

He knew so much about guns and he didn’t notice this. 

How did he miss it?

That was a question he had thought multiple times over the last week, beating himself up for it. Now he knew, he could tell the difference but now it was too late. 

If this hadn’t happened they would be in Ireland, a little secluded house that Jim had found and bought for them all setup, not having to worry about anyone else. Just the two of them and the rest of their lives. 

They would be happy, Jim could control his web from where they would be staying and Sebastian would have the woods to explore. There would be work to keep them both busy and each other for company and to keep each other happy.

They would finally be happy for the first time in their lives.

But someone had to fuck that up and Jim was fighting for his life in a hospital bed and Sebastian was beating himself up and too worried to take care of himself. He would kill them. As soon as Jim was okay and he could get a chance. 

He would figure it out and kill them. He didn’t want to think about what he’d do if Jim didn’t make it. 

He didn’t really want to think about Jim not making it at all, he was sure that would mean that he wouldn’t make it either. There was no Sebastian Moran without Jim Moriarty, no sniper without the consulting criminal, no bodyguard with no body to protect.

It was always surreal how quickly everything could be turned on its side. One little move and everything else goes wrong. 

The butterfly effect was real and Sebastian wanted to take out all the butterflies.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s another three days before Jim wakes up again and during that time Sebastian had kept his promise to himself. The longest he had spent away from Jim was the time he showered and even then it was in the bathroom off from the room Jim was in so he could hear if anything went on.

It hadn’t yet.

Jim was slower at waking up this time, slowly coming back to consciousness and, after a few moments pass, his eyes open and he looks around the room.

It was still the same, all too white, the room he was in the first time and those horrid beeping sounds were still there but this time they weren’t getting louder like the last. There was something else he noticed, a hand in his. Or wrapped around his, more accurately. 

He looks over his head turning to the side, wincing slightly at the pain in his head as he does. To his slight surprise, there’s a pair of warm blue eyes, looking entirely out of place on the rough and scared face of Sebastian Moran, looking back at him. 

Jim freezes. He doesn’t know who this man is, not really, though he feels as though he should. There was something familiar about him that makes the injured man slowly relax back onto the bed. 

“How are you feeling?” Sebastian asks, leaning forward and rubs his hand on the other man’s arm. His first instinct was to go for the hair but his head was still bandaged, only ten days total since the accident, and he didn’t want to risk hurting his boss further.

“I-I’m alright,” Jim replies, voice so soft it almost hurts his right-hand man to hear, though there is a roughness in there from disuse that makes it almost bearable. “Excuse me but can you tell me where I am?” He asks, “And who?” 

Sebastian blinks a couple of times, looking at him, almost expecting the other to let out a loud, harsh laugh at say nonsense about the look on his face. But then he realized he meant it. Jim didn’t know where he was or how he got here. 

“You’re in the hospital. Your name is Jim Moriarty, I’m Sebastian Moran, your…” He trails off, really not sure what they were, his first thought was boyfriend but Jim would have protested to that before. Employee or sniper was too impersonal and gave too much away. “Partner.” He finally responds, just the right amount of information. They work together, or he works for Jim but he’s above all the other employees, and they’re sort of life partners. He’d be sure to never tell Ji…oh.

Jim nods slightly, seemingly unaware of the other’s inner conflict as most would be but the old Jim would have seen straight through him. “That explains why you look familiar.” He says with a soft smile, giving the hand wrapped around his a light squeeze. 

Sebastian nods, “I’m going to go get your doctor.” He says, quietly and gives Jim’s hand a squeeze in return before retracting his own and leaving, needing to get a breath, anything to get himself out of the difficult situation. 

As soon as he’s out of the room, he closes the door and sighs, rubbing over his face. He knew what to expect. He’s been over this with Jim’s doctors a number of times, they had warned him the other most likely wouldn’t remember anything. But Sebastian had dismissed that. Jim was always defying the odds. Sure the thought stayed in the back of his head but it wasn’t a primary worry. He was more concerned about the other not waking up, or waking up mad at him and the world for what had happened, that the plan hadn’t gone as he had set it up to go.

Not this. This wasn’t the most likely scenario, it was closer to the least likely one in Sebastian’s mind. 

It takes him a moment but he’s eventually able to pull himself together enough to make it down to the nurses' station and alert them to Jim’s waking up and that they had been right. He couldn’t remember. 

They are quick to try to reassure him that it was likely the other’s memories would come back to him, slowly, sure but they’d be back and it wasn’t the worst thing to happen.

Sebastian knew they were right, really he did. He had his boss, his friend, lover, life basically, not that he’d ever say it out loud, back with him, alive and awake, but he couldn’t help but worry that the other wouldn’t get his memories back.

And the worst part, he was already grieving the part of Jim he feels like he’s lost, he feels like shit for that one. 

—

Jim was looking around the room, the best he could with how much the bright lights on the white interior would let him with the persistent headache he had but didn’t know the cause of. 

He looks over when he hears the door to his room open and gives a small smile. 

“You came back.” He says, softly, “They never do that.” Jim wasn’t sure what he meant by that but, thankfully, Sebastian doesn’t ask, though it does make him wonder again what had happened to the other man when he was little that things like that would sometime slip from his mouth with no context as to what he meant. 

“Of course, I did. I’m not just going to leave you in a place like this, you know.” He responds, giving a small smile he doesn’t really feel. 

He’s relieved and hurt in equal measures when he’s not called out for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where am I going with this? I'm the only one interested in finding out!


	3. Chapter 3

It was about a week of awkward conversation later, Jim still trying to get a grip on who he was and who he now is without those memories and Sebastian trying to get used to this new version of the other man. The things he once knew the other would say no longer being brought up, the snide remarks and smart-arse comments he once hated, he now finds himself missing. 

It was strange really to think about but that was just how it was now and he was working to get used to it. It was harder than he had thought to start with, which was really saying something. 

“Are you ready to go home?” Sebastian asks, looking at Jim as he walks slowly out of the bathroom, now fully dressed and looking a little cleaner than he had before. He walks over quickly and wraps an arm around Jim to help him over to the wheelchair that had been brought in, not wanting him to fall or anything. 

Technically Jim wasn’t supposed to be able to leave for another week but some people in the hospital knew who they were and word spread that they were dangerous people, Sebastian didn’t bother to correct them. He didn’t want to be there just as much as the staff didn’t want them to be there.

“Yeah, I think so.” He responds, curious to know what this ‘home’ is that Sebastian keeps talking about. 

Once he’s sat in the chair, he points straight at the door. “Onward, my noble steed.” He announces with a smile. 

Sebastian chuckles and rolls his eyes. This was another one of those moments when he was reminded that the old Jim might still be there. But he was careful not to get him hopes up too much.

“Of course, my king,” Sebastian replies, giving him a bow before starting to push him out of the hospital room and down the hall, heading for the lifts. 

“I am the king, good to see you know your place, peasant,” Jim states, trying to look back at Sebastian so he can see the smile but not wanting to move his head that much, the headache was still quite bad and he didn’t want to risk making it any worse. 

“I was the noble steed a moment ago and now I’m a peasant? What did I do to earn that demotion?” He asks, pretending to be hurt as his hand moves from the handle of the chair to Jim’s shoulder for a moment and then back, not wanting him to hurt himself. “But of course I know my place. You made sure I knew that a while ago.” He assures, smiling softly at the memories of those times that were, for now, only his. He does hope Jim can regain them as well, he enjoyed sharing them with him. 

Getting into the lift, Sebastian hits the button for the ground floor and the ride down is spent in silence. He was thinking about how their lives were going to be affected by all this and if Jim would ever be as he once was while Jim himself was thinking about what their home might look like. 

Sebastian pushes the chair out of the lift and then the hospital, helping Jim into the car he had called. He takes care of the wheelchair before climbing into the back of the car with the other. 

“This isn’t a cab,” Jim notes. 

“No, it isn’t.” Sebastian agrees. 

“Why are we taking this car? What is it?” He asks, a little panic noticeable in his voice but that would make sense, Jim remembers nothing of his business after all. 

“We have personal drivers. You don’t drive and don’t trust cabs.” He explains, “We own a business and they work for us, taking us where we need to be.” Telling Jim what the business was or that he owns it on his own, Sebastian only works for him, might be a bit much, he decides. 

Jim nods a little, “Can you tell me what the business is or is that classified?” He asks, voice light, playful.

“I think that’s best left for another day.” Was the honest, straight forward reply that left Jim speechless until they left home. It sounded serious, what could it be? 

After that, the rest of the car ride was spent in silence, Jim’s mind shifted from what their home could look like to what they could possibly do that would keep Sebastian from telling him the business they run. He was starting to feel a little sick at the thoughts going through his head. It couldn’t possibly be any of those. Could it? 

The thoughts were flying through his head quickly, leaving him wondering and questioning if he was even safe with this man. He seems to be but he couldn’t be for sure either way. He was pulled out of his thought as the car comes to a stop. 

He looks out of the window to see they arrive at the house Sebastian kept talking about that was in a more secluded area, no neighbors close by but the area was well kept. There was a small yard out front and a decent size, more modern looking house that must have been theirs. 

Jim looks to the other man, who only nods, just to be sure he was right. 

Sebastian climbs out of the car and goes around to help Jim get out as well. 

“Will it be alright if I just carry you?” Sebastain asks, it wasn’t too far to the from the door but it was farther than he would want Jim walking right now.

Jim hesitates, then nods, allowing it. He clings to the other man as he’s carried, a little surprised by the strength he has to be able to do this without issue. All Sebastian can think about is how much lighter Jim is now than he was before all this and he never weighed much. 

Sebastian carries Jim to the door and sits him down while he pulls out his keys and unlocks to door, the man being swept back up into his arms and carried into the house and then the bedroom, laying him down. “Why don’t you just rest while I go get us something for dinner?” Sebastian asks, placing a kiss to Jim’s cheek, something he wouldn’t have done before but he wasn’t sure about a proper kiss right now while still feeling the need for the small comfort. 

Jim nods, watching as the other man leaves the room. As soon as the door closes, his eyes follow and it isn’t long before he’s fast asleep in the bed that is considerably more comfortable than the one he has become used to over the past few weeks, the old Jim would only have the best, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a little longer but it is a little longer than the other two have been.  
> Kudos and comments are nice!


	4. Chapter 4

The next few days were rough, to say the least. Jim was mostly staying in bed, resting, thanks to Sebastian’s orders and his own want to not move. Most of the time was spent with him in his head, trying to decide who he is now after everything had happened. His life has changed so dramatically and now, with no sense of who he is, he is trying to find his way back to some form of Jim Moriarty.

Sebastian spends a lot of time in bed with him, along with time trying to keep the web up and running. Jim had trusted him with that and he wasn’t going to let the man down. He tried to spend most of the time Jim was awake in bed with him and while he was asleep he’d sneak out of bed to the home office and do some work making sure everything was going well and no one was trying to take over while their boss was out. 

So at six in the morning, Sebastian was sneaking back into bed, trying not to wake Jim, only to realize the man was already up. He wasn’t that surprised, after all, he had never been too good at sleeping. In fact, since the accident the man had slept more than Sebastian had ever seen him, it was almost concerning if it wasn’t a healthy amount. 

“Will you tell me now?” Jim asks, softly, into the quiet and dark room, lit only by the sun starting to come up. 

“Tell you what?” Sebastian replies, sitting down on the be next to him, moving close enough that his legs were pressed against Jim’s back since the small man was facing the wall, another thing that only served to worry Sebastian more. 

“What the mysterious business is that you run off to work on every night?” He asks softly, looking up at the ceiling, not wanting to look at the other or roll around but wanting him to know it was serious. 

“The business you own, I told you about that.” Sebastian says, confused, “How do you know I’ve been leaving? It’s always after you go to sleep.” 

“That’s not important.” He had been waking up frequently from nightmares, some about the day he shot himself, other’s that he wasn’t sure about. They might have just been cruel stories thought up by his unconscious, or they could have been memories. He hasn’t been able to ask, but who would do things like that to a child? It was hard to imagine that was his childhood. And why would he do things like that to other people? He was sure he was a good person. He wouldn’t hurt anyone…right? He no longer knew. 

“You said I owned a business but you didn’t tell me what the business is, Sebastian.” He states, starting to sound annoyed and angry at the other’s lack of real response. 

Sebastian sighs, “I really don’t think I should tell you about that. It’s just…” He pauses, trying to decide how to go about this, “It’s a consulting business. People call you when they need help with things. And then you send people out to help them if you think they actually need it.” He says, slowly, answering the question but without too much detail. 

Jim nods, confused by this. “There’s something you’re not telling me.” He states, “I can read you, Sebastian. If that was all there is then you would have told me the first time I asked. What. Else. Is. There?” He demands the answer. “And not more of these fecking answers.” 

“Okay, okay. Do you want to know? You’re a consulting criminal. People contact you when they want dirt on someone for revenge or when they’re in a bad situation or have someone they hate, they come to you and you have people that kill them. Was that what you want to hear, Jim?” He asks, “That you employ hundreds of people who go out and shoot and kill people for fun? Torture them until they’re begging? Because I really don’t think that was something that you need to be told right now but you’re as stubborn as always, aren’t you? This accident didn’t change that.” He was annoyed at the other for not believe that Sebastian was doing what was best in this situation. He did want what was best for Jim, why couldn’t he believe that?

Jim couldn’t hear anything after ‘kill them’. So some of those dreams probably were true? 

They were all rushing back, his head swimming in the sounds of people screaming as they were tortured and dying slow and painful deaths, all because of him. 

He slowly stumbles to his feet, beginning to make his way to the bathroom, unable to hear Sebastian calling for him, trying to get him back to bed, apologies for being so harsh. They were all lost on Jim.

He reaches the toilet and falls to his knees, getting sick at the thoughts, the only thing that was starting to get through them was the pain through his mouth and the back of his head. There was blood in the toilet, most likely he tore one of the stitches in his throat but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He reaches up and flushes, falling back against the wall, staring into space. He doesn’t even hear Sebastian walk into the room.

The man sits down beside him, holding out a glass of water and a pill. “Jimmy, can you take these for me?” He asks, he didn’t exactly like the idea of giving him a sleeping pill but at this point there wasn’t much else to do, not wanting him to hurt himself anymore or anything. He was already looking sick, paler than normal and sweaty. 

Jim doesn’t hear him, nor does he respond but seeing the pill and the water he takes them both, pill going into his mouth, then downing the water without complaint. 

It wasn’t long before he was leaning on the bigger man’s chest who easily wraps his arms around him and picks him up, carrying him back to the bed and laying him down. “I’m sorry Jimmy.” He whispers, kissing his forehead before laying down next to him, pulling him close.

He needed sleep as well, it had been too long before he got more than an hour or two but he found himself lost in thought about all this. What he had just told Jim and why he had done it. How to fix it or if there was even a way to. He had definitely messed this up and was beginning to wonder if this was the one time he couldn’t help his boss the way he always does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a while but I finally got through another chapter.   
> Let me know if you like it or hate it.   
> kudos and comments are nice.


	5. Chapter 5

That first week seemed to set out roles for both the men to follow from then on. Jim would try his best, as would Sebastian. The only difference was that Jim would typically end up more apologetic when things didn’t work out and Sebastian, well, he would end up angry and frustrated. 

“Forget this.” Sebastian states, a little louder than necessary, his hands running through his hair, “I’m going for a walk.” He stands up, finds his shoes and coat, pulling them on, and then he’s gone out the door. 

Jim sighs and looks down at his lap. This was something that had happened too many times recently. He knew it was hard on Sebastian, it would have to be. But it would seem Sebastian forgets that this is also hard on him. 

He was the one with the stitches in the back of the head, he was the one with the brain injury, he was the one that couldn’t remember anything. Sure, putting up with him and taking care of him might be hard as well, in fact, Jim knew it was, but why was Sebastian always getting so upset and angry about everything? Or perhaps he was just annoyed. 

Jim didn’t know but he did know it was something he needed to talk to the other man about before this got to be too out of hand. If it hadn’t already, that is. 

The cause of the argument was simple, really, now that Jim has time to sit and reflect on it, there wasn’t much else he could do. Sebastian had brought up a time from a few years ago when something that was apparently funny happened. Jim couldn’t remember the incident that Sebastian was trying to remind him of and Sebastian couldn’t be bothered to tell the story, or maybe it was on of those things where you just have to be there. Jim couldn’t be sure. 

Either way, they were both frustrated, and the same thing was causing both: Jim. 

If only he could remember anything then maybe they wouldn’t be having so many issues now with this. Of course, they wouldn’t. All the issues now were caused by the accident. 

And so, Jim was back where he had been the past few times when things went this way, sitting where Sebastian had left him, afraid to get up and try walking without someone there, in case he falls, and ready to apologize as soon as the man comes back through the door. 

Only, he was taking longer than he normally did when he went on these walks. Typically, they lasted for half an hour at most, normally not even that long as the man knew Jim didn’t like walking around without him there and Sebastian didn’t want him there without someone to help either. 

But, as Jim watched the minutes, then hours tick away, he started to worry that maybe Sebastian wasn’t going to come back. He had tried calling and texting him a couple of times but hadn’t got an answer, he was trying not to do this too much though, fearing he would only make the situation worse. 

After a while, he reached the level of boredom where he decided it would be okay for him to go get his laptop which was just on the desk a couple of feet from where he was sitting. Standing up, carefully, leaning on the wall for support, he took the couple steps to the seat at the desk and sat down, smiling at the fact that he had successfully made it, even if it was a short distance. 

With his laptop, he was able to continue out the three hours Sebastian was gone well enough, though he was starting to get hungry and was sure he could use a trip to the bathroom, but that was the issue, he didn’t want the trip part. 

So, after a little over three hours had passed, Sebastian stumbles back into the house, smiling at the other man. “Jimmy, there you are.” He says, walking over, or stumbling over, to the desk and wrapping his arms around Jim. “Missed you.” He mumbles.

“I missed you too,” Jim says, though it comes out as more of a question, not sure what was going on with the man right now. Until it hit him, the smell. “Sebastian, are you drunk?” He asks, pulling back a little to look at him. This wasn’t good. 

“Only a little.” He tries to say, though the words are slurred and his movements are off, clearly more drunk than he was trying to convince him he was. 

Jim sighs, not too sure what to do from here. “I’m going to order us dinner, you’re going to have a shower, we’re going to eat and then to bed for us both.” He says after a moment's thought. 

It was the best they could do at a time like this, Jim was hungry and wanted the smell off of Sebastian before they went to bed. 

“But it’s still early.” Sebastian whines, looking at the time, “It’s only nine-thirty, Jimmy.” 

“I know, and you’re already drunk off your arse. Now reach me your phone and go shower.” He states, pointing to the bathroom. 

Sebastian complies because even if Jim couldn’t remember, he still has too many Moriarty qualities when he is serious about what he is saying and this is one of those times. He hands the other his phone and makes his way to the bathroom for his shower. 

Jim makes quick work of ordering them pizza and then sighs again, laying the phone down and looking to where the other man had gone. It would be safe for him to go, right? It wasn’t that far and he wasn’t alone now. 

Slowly and carefully, he makes his way to his feet, his hands on the desk as he makes sure he can stand. Once he’s steady, he starts, to walk around the desk, using the sofa, chairs, wall, anything around him to help him get to the bathroom safely. There were a few close calls where he found himself stumbling or his vision spinning or blurring but he takes a moment, leaning against whatever is closest, and then continues on when it starts to clear up. 

What should have been a quick, five-second walk took Jim closer to ten minutes. It would seem some of the effects of trying to do what he did was blurred vision, trouble balancing, and feeling lightheaded, that added onto the new headaches he was getting and the old ones he had been informed of meant that this was something he should just be getting used to. 

That was easier said than done though. 

After he finishes in the bathroom, he sits on top of the closed toilet, deciding to wait for Sebastian instead of venturing out alone. He had already had enough success for one day, walking along and didn’t want to push it any further. 

It took a few minutes for Sebastian to finish up in the shower but soon he was out and wrapping a towel around his waist, looking at Jim, a little confused.

“What are you doing there?” He asks, starting for the door.

“Waiting for you, had to piss.” He responds, “I was wanting some help actually if it wouldn’t be too much trouble?” He asks, almost hesitantly, not wanting to push his luck any more than he already had. 

Sebastian nods and comes over, holding his hands out for him, “Yeah, sure, I suppose.” He responds, “Did you make it in here by yourself?” He asks, as though he suddenly realized. The shower had helped sober him up but he was still struggling with the after-effects of drinking. 

Jim nods, “You were out and then came back drunk. I needed to go so I managed.” He responds, taking the taller man’s hands and standing up carefully. 

Smiling, Sebastian waits for him to stand and leans in, giving him a kiss, “I’m proud of you, kitten.” He whispers to him before pulling back a little. “Come on let's get settled on the couch and find a movie to watch before the pizza gets here.” 

Jim nods, smiling softly and, hand in hand, Jim leaning on Sebastian a little, they make their way to the sofa. The apology Jim had been planning was forgotten but that was okay because for right now, they were good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to understand writers who take forever to update. This takes time. A year later, I understand it.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Kudos and comments are always appreciated.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a slow process but slowly Jim started getting better and better at walking. Still, on occasion, he would have balance issues and need help or need to sit down. Especially on long walks, that was something they have been avoiding.

Inside the house though, it was a different story, Jim started getting better and better at walking around, no longer needing Sebastian’s help as much to make it from the bed to the sofa or to the bathroom or to the kitchen.

Showers were still something that provided an issue though, as it involved standing for a period of time but Jim was sick of having baths so often, and that was why he was currently standing under the shower, leaning back against Sebastian’s chest as the taller, sturdier man held him up and help him wash off.

It was something that they would have never been caught doing before the accident. Now, of course, they still wouldn’t be caught doing it but it was happening, all the same.

“Wash my hair while you’re at it, Sebby?” Jim asks, tilting his head up as much as he dared to look at the other man who only smiled back at him and carefully tilted his head back do so he was looking forward.

Grabbing the shampoo, Sebastian starts running his hands through Jim’s hair, it has been a month since Jim had returned home, close to two since the accident had occurred, the wound on his head was healed though still a little sore and easily hurt. Sebastian was careful not to tug on his hair or apply too much pressure to his head, not wanting to cause any pain to the smaller man.

He knew this was something he would just need to get used to, from now on Jim’s head will always be a place to protect, as though it wasn’t a place to be protected before. He had been reading up on brain injuries and learned that after something like that, any head trauma at all could have significantly worse consequences than it would have before it happened. Apparently even falling over and bumping his head could lead to hospital visits. This was something that very much concerned the man, especially knowing their lifestyle. Would it be overkill to wrap his head in bubble wrap? Or perhaps a helmet?

He shakes the thought away for now and returns to the job at hand, rinsing out the shampoo and finishing up Jim’s shower.

“All clean.” He informs him, placing a kiss to the top of his head.

Jim smiles and goes to get out of the shower, pushing off of Sebastian’s chest, perhaps a little too fast as his head starts spinning and he almost hits the wall. The only thing that saved him was Sebastian reaching out and holding him still, keeping him from falling.

“Come on, I’ll help you out.” He assures him, stepping out of the shower and helping Jim follow after him. Sebastian easily picks up the smaller man and places him on the counter and starts to dry him off. While the counter was a higher place to fall from, with Sebastian there and having his hands on him, he was less worried. At least this way, Jim wasn’t standing and having to fully have balance.

After making sure the man was fully dried off, Sebastian helps him down and onto his feet, Sebastian’s hands on his sides, making sure he doesn’t start to fall again, plus, he doesn’t really want to let go, enjoying the contact with him.

“Bed now?” He asks, softly, leaning in to give the man a kiss.

Jim nods, leaning against the counter, “Yeah but not if you’re going to go to bed wet.” He responds, raising an eyebrow, amused.

Sebastian chuckles but makes quick work of drying himself off as well, “Okay, come on then brat.” He says, smacking the man’s arse, making the man jump and squeak before taking Jim’s hand so the man can lean on him as they make the short trip.

They climb into bed on opposite sides, Jim scooting over to Sebastian, laying his head on his shoulder, once again, getting comfortable.

“Can I ask you something, Sebby?” Jim asks, before thinking and adding, “If you say I just did I’m turning you into shoes and stepping on you every day.” He warns.

Sebastian sighs and rolls his eyes playfully but nods anyway. “Of course, Jimmy, anything you’d want to know.” He responds, softly.

“That’s a long list of things I feel I knew at one time.” He mumbles, more to himself than the other. “Do you know how I got to be the criminal you said I am?” He asks, softly, looking up at the other, “I want to know more about myself, who I am, how I got here. I hate not knowing so much and I feel like whatever I learn I will wish I didn’t know but I just can’t take it anymore.” He admits, sighing.

On the best of days the not knowing anything about himself than what has happened since the accident is annoying but on the worst, those are the days that Jim spends close to tears. Anytime Sebastian says anything about before the incident that Jim should know he feels himself becoming more and more frustrated. Annoyed at himself for where he currently is and annoyed at Sebastian for bringing it up when he knows Jim doesn’t remember it.

Sebastian sighs softly to himself, “I do know the answer to that. Or I know your history. I assume I know why you started it. You never really pinpointed the time that it happened or any specific thing that led you to it.” He responds honestly.

“Tell me about it?” Jim asks, getting comfortable tucked against Sebastian’s side, his head on his chest. While he was asking for the obviously twisted tale of his past and how he became a murderer or someone who organizes murder, he reminds Sebastian more of a little boy asking for a bedtime story.

Another sigh escapes Sebastian but he knows that it’s pointless to even consider denying the smaller man what he wanted. He never could and anytime that he had tried it had ended in a disaster so, instead, he nods and takes a deep breath.

“The first time you killed anyone, you were thirteen.” He starts, “There was a boy a couple of years older than you who was picking on you and…” He trails off, realizing this was going to be more difficult than he had originally thought.

“You have a twin brother named Richard.” He states, getting that out of the way, “He thinks you’re dead and that’s why he hasn’t been around since the accident. I’ve been meaning to tell you both but there was a while in there I thought you might die and I didn’t see the point in telling him you were alive only for him to have to go through the pain of having you actually die again. And then you were awake and things were going well but I never had the time.” He explains, never taking a breath until he was done with what he was saying.

He looks down at the other man who blinks up at him a couple of times before slowly nodding in response, not knowing what to say. It was a few moments later when he manages to whisper out, “Is that why I felt like I was missing part of myself?” He knew the issue of not having a memory was part of it but it had felt more. He had assumed it was just because of learning what he was before all of this, a genius that relied so heavily on his mind, everything he had lost since then. Or maybe it was just because he hadn’t been without his memory before. But this? This was so much bigger than that and it would seem to make more sense than anything the man had tried to fill that hole with before. The part of him that felt like he was missing his best friend, part of himself.

Sebastian manages a shrug with the shoulder Jim wasn’t laying on. “I’m not too sure, kitten.” He responds, honestly, kissing his hair. He knew the other was close to his twin but this wasn’t something that he had expected.

Richard was the one that had known Jim was a human, the only one (before Sebastian) that got to see the caring, protective, damaged side of Jim Moriarty. Sebastian had always assumed it was something to do with everything that had been through together as children. They both could only count on each other and knew they could trust the other brother before anyone else in the world.

“Go back to the story?” Jim asks in a soft voice, wanting to hear more and learn more about the brother he had been missing.

Sebastian nods once again and picks up where he was, “The older man was bullying you and Richard, who you were always very protective of. I think, from what I got out of you, you found him hitting Richard one day and snapped. It wasn’t anything brutal or bloody. You poisoned him somehow. It had something to do with his shoes and he died in a pool. Maybe a swimming competition.” He tries to explain. “There’s a newspaper clipping around here somewhere of his death mentioned in it. I’ll find it in the morning if you’d like.”

Jim nods a little against his chest. “So that was the first. To protect my brother?” He asks.

Of course, you did a lot to protect your brother.”

They fall into silence after that, Sebastian reaching over to turn off the lights and leaving them both cuddled up in the darkness.

It wasn’t long before Sebastian was falling asleep. Jim though, was awake for hours longer, his mind racing about the information he had just learned and trying to think if there was anything he could remember about the information he was just given.

Hours later, Jim falls asleep, tears in his eyes, both from the frustration of not being able to remember and the increasing pain in his head that always comes with trying to force himself to remember things before the incident.

\--

Of course, the sleep Jim found himself to be under didn’t last long before he was plunged back in time, surrounded by people bigger than him, screaming words that he wished he had never heard, insults thrown in his face.

He was never good enough, he never would be, never has been. He was a pathetic excuse for a son. He was small, short, too small to defend himself.

At least, that was what they seem to think.

While he couldn’t place any of the people, he could draw his own conclusions, the man that called him a pathetic excuse of a son was most likely his father, the woman yelling at him for not being good enough he would guess was his mother.

That left the other four. He could only make out the shapes of them and could hear the words of one telling him he was short.

But that was when it happened, suddenly they were in a block building, him, the other one he could hear and a boy his age. In fact, he was almost identical to Jim.

The not-Jim was being held against the wall by the other boy, being screamed at and hit in the stomach, curling in, trying to get away from the blows as much as he can with the wall behind him, tears down his face as he tries to look brave.

The sight alone lit a fire inside Jim he didn’t know was there. He was screaming and trying to run at the boy who was holding up what was no doubt his twin brother, Richard.

He’d kill the boy who dared touch his brother. If only he could reach him but something was holding him back.

He sits straight up in bed, screams dying on his lips, covered in sweat and breathing heavily as he tries to catch his breath.

It takes a moment before he realizes the dim lights lighting the room and the man sitting in front of him. His eyes grow wide and, before he can register or even think about the situation his fist goes out.

Having expected his from years of Jim and his nightmares, Sebastian easily catches Jim’s fist in his hand and lowers it, “It’s okay, you’re fine Jimmy. It’s just me, it’s just us.” He whispers to the other, his hand moving from the smaller, softer one in his, up to his arm, rubbing it comfortingly. “You’re safe now, it was a dream, okay?”

Jim nods after a moment and his head leans against Sebastian’s chest from where they were still sitting, the larger man facing the smaller. He brings his free hand up to the black hair, lightly playing with it. “Want to talk about it?” He asks the top of the head.

Shaking his head and taking a moment, Jim falls back, careful of his head as it hits the pillow.

“Want to try to sleep more? Or just lay for a while longer?” Sebastian asks, “Or we can get up if you want to find a distraction?”

Jim just shakes his head once again and holds out his arms for the other, wanting nothing more than the dark quietness to help with the headache that was only made worse by his nightmare and screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It would seem I'm uploading more regularly. I wonder how long it will last.  
> I also wonder if people are even reading this.  
> Kudos and comments are niiiice.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has some dark moments. More on that at the endnotes so there are no spoilers here. If anyone is interested check those out first.

“I just don’t know if I can do it anymore, Sebastian.” Jim states, sighing and rubbing over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

Sebastian looks at him for a moment and blinks before starting to walk towards him, worrying and a little scared. 

Jim had been acting strange lately, not that Sebastian was even entirely sure what normal was at this point but he hoped it wasn’t this. He wasn’t sure how much more of this version of Jim he would be able to survive. 

“Don’t.” Jim states, seeing him walking closed. “Don’t come closer or I’ll cut your legs off.” He warns, his voice sounding cold and angry. 

Sebastian follows orders, stopping and looking at Jim, unsure what to do but noticing the other was seeming to be a little more like himself at that moment. He doesn’t mention it though, he knows not to do that. His mind is too stuck on the thoughts of what Jim could have meant. Was it this relationship he couldn’t do? Or was it living? There was a lot and Sebastian had no way of knowing. 

Jim turns and walks back through the house to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him as he falls onto the bed. He didn't want the man to follow him, he tells himself that at least. That he doesn’t want the comfort, to be with Sebastian but he isn’t so sure that’s the truth. He does want that. The last thing he wants or needs right now is to be alone. But that is exactly where he is. 

He wasn’t lying to Sebastian, he wasn’t sure if he could continue living this way. The last month would have had to have been the most difficult of his life and not just because he couldn’t remember anything before that. He was becoming more and more numb and not in the way he was before, not in the way that he was when he was younger and being abused by his parents or bullied in school, not that he remembered any of that now. He hated himself more and more, his life, who he is, what he did before the incident.

Waking up every morning to the fading sounds of screams that Jim was almost certain were memories and not just twisted images his brain manages to think up really took a toll on him. He was sleeping less and less just so he wouldn’t have to hear that. Knowing, just from what Sebastian told him and the few memories that he was getting back, that he was that twisted before left him regretting his life, ever being born and staying alive. 

The memories he was getting back. As though there were more than him torturing people who he was sure were innocent and hearing them screaming out in pain as he laughs. How did he ever live with himself? 

Oh yeah, he wasn’t. He had tried to kill himself. 

Sebastian keeps telling Jim the plan wasn’t for him to really kill himself and that it must have been someone else trying to take Jim out but Jim isn’t so sure this is the truth. With the way, he feels he wonders if he didn’t feel like this before. Sebastian wouldn’t know, Jim wouldn’t have told him and no one would have been able to tell with him. He was good at hiding things, after all.   
Was there anyone else that might have known? Sebastian mentioned a brother, his twin. But he still hasn’t seen the man since the accident, even though he had wanted to. Maybe Richard didn’t want to see him? 

His life wasn’t looking too great at the moment and, from here, Jim can’t see it looking too good either. Maybe he should try it again. The dying thing, that is. He didn’t do it right the first time but if he tried it again he would have to get it right. Right? What were the chances of missing that up twice? 

It only makes him hate himself more than he knew, at one time, he would have known that, but now he can’t figure it out. 

He sighs, deciding he would do it, the next time he has a few minutes away from Sebastian he would do it. He knew where the gun was, after all, and since the last time, he thinks he’s learned how to properly do it. 

The man should be happy about it, after all, it would be his freedom. He wouldn’t have to take care of an ungrateful brat like Jim anymore. And he knew exactly what he was. He should be happy that Sebastian is there for him, helping him, caring for him. Loving him, but instead, he tells him he can’t do it and slams a door in his face. He shouldn’t take it out on him, he knew that. But he was confused, hurt, and tired. He just wanted it to all be over. 

And soon enough, it would be. He’d make sure that it was. 

Sebastian would be the only one that would care, even if Jim doesn’t think he should, and for that, Jim would make sure to wait until the man was out to carry out his plan. Since the accident, the only other person he’s heard of was his brother and it was obvious he didn’t care. If Sebastian even bothered to tell him Jim wasn’t dead. He wasn’t so sure. He almost hoped the man didn’t because the thought of the man Jim felt so close to choosing not to see him hurt more than Sebastian not having told him. 

His hands run over his face again, feeling wetness on his eyes he didn’t even know was there, he sighs. His thoughts were a mess, jumping from one thing to another and back again. He hated that. There was no control over anything, the confusion was only growing. 

There was one thing he knew, and that was, for the first time in his life, he would be free of everything. He would carry out his plan, the one he had originally failed at, and he would succeed and after that, he would be able to relax and be free. 

With that thought, he closes his eyes and allows himself to drift off to sleep. 

\--

It was around an hour later when Jim was woken up by a knock on the door. He sits up and looks around, it only takes a couple of seconds to remember where he was and why he was there alone. He sighs and stands, going to the door and opening it. 

There’s a moment of confusion on Jim’s face as he almost feels like he’s looking into a mirror and not outside his bedroom door. The man standing in front of him is close to looking like himself but there are some noticeable differences. Like the tear tracks on his face. 

On second thought, Jim isn’t entirely sure they’re not on his own face as well. 

“Jimmy.” The other man whispers, looking unsure. 

Jim smiles and steps forward, hugging his brother. “What are you doing here, Richie?” He asks, the name coming out of his mouth in a way that seemed entirely too familiar. 

“Sebastian called me. He says you were mad at him and locked yourself in the bedroom. He was worried.” He explains, pulling back from the hug before he really wanted to. He had just gotten his brother back after all. 

Jim nods, “Yeah,” He gives an empty laugh and rubs the back of his neck. “I guess I was a little frustrated.” He admits, walking over to sit back on the bed, still tired and the standing not going as well as it would have if he was more awake. 

Richard nods and follows his brother, sitting next to him. “Would you talk to me about what you’re frustrated about?” 

Sebastian had warned him that Jim was different after the accident but this was more than Richard had expected. In more ways than one. He had originally imagined a more childish version of his brother. Brain damage, Sebastian had said, and Richard had pictured his brother struggling to talk or move. But at the same time, this was just as shocking, Jim seeming to be more human, having emotions that even his twin brother hasn’t seen since they were five. 

“Everything.” He whispers, staring at the floor. “I don’t know who I am. Not really. I can’t remember anything.” He admits, “Sebastian has told me some and I hate everything I know. I wake up to the sound of screaming every time I sleep. I can’t sleep anymore. The last week I haven’t been able to. I’m tired of not knowing who I am or anything about myself. I’m tired, literally as well. I just…I’ve been wondering if…” He trails off, sighing, something about him didn’t want to tell his brother this but he was going to anyway. “I wonder if I was planning what happened. Not the way it happened but if I was planning on killing myself.” The words get quieter towards the end and Jim is still careful not to look at his brother. 

There’s a moment of silence and then, “Are you thinking about it now?” 

“…Maybe.” 

Richard nods, not too sure what to do. He’s never seen his brother like this before. Of course, he had his suspicions that Jim wasn’t happy before this but he wasn’t sure. Now though, he was getting the confirmation that he never wanted to get. 

“Do you think you can tell Sebastian?” He asks, knowing Jim’s partner would be keeping a closer eye on him and making sure he was safe. And Richard would be helping, how could he not?  
Jim shrugs, “I suppose I should but I just…” He trails off, significantly quieter than his normal self. 

“I know it’s hard, Jimmy, but it might help if you can talk to him about this. He can help. And of course, I’m here for you to talk to as well.” He turns and wraps his arms around his brother once again. 

Jim nods and hugs his brother back, not saying anything but not feeling it was necessary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some depressed suicidal Jim and his dark thoughts.   
> comments and kudos are nice.


	8. Chapter 8

Richard had stayed for dinner that night, spending time with his brother and talking. It was going to take some time before he was used to this new version of Jim but he was working on it, Jim could tell. Sebastian had cooked dinner and they had eaten together, Richard and Jim going over some stuff from when they were younger, covering bigger part of their childhood, things that Jim was hoping would help him remember. 

Of course, some things were left out with signs from Sebastian when things were getting dark. Jim’s first murder was left open as Richard was getting close to the topic when Sebastian signed for him to stop and then switched to a school topic instead. 

It wasn’t clear to Richard why he shouldn’t mention the topic, it was something his brother enjoyed, used to, he knew. 

It also wasn’t clear to Sebastian why Jim reacted so negatively to hearing about the things he had done. Nevertheless, they avoided it. 

They had gone until Jim could feel his head starting to split open and decided that it was time to give up on that for now.

“Bye, Richie.” He mumbles, giving him a hug, which was a bit of a surprise for Sebastian but Richard didn’t seem to mind or find it unusual. Then he turns to Sebastian, “I’m going to get ready for bed.” He informs him, getting a nod from the man in return.

Sebastian watches Jim go until he disappears into the bathroom, then he turns to Richard. “Thank you for doing this. I know I should have told you sooner but it wasn’t looking good for a while, I didn’t want you to get him back only to lose him again. Then I just got busy with taking care of him and didn’t think to tell you. Sorry.” He says, softly, that was something he was never good with, apologies, though he did hope it sounded sincere enough.

Richard nods, “I do wish I had known sooner but,” He shrugs, “I know now, that’s something. If either of you have questions about his childhood or something, anything, just… you have my number.” He says, a little awkwardly, giving the other a smile. “I should go. Go make sure he doesn’t hit his head or something.” 

Sebastian nods, going to shake his hand as Richard gives him a hug, “Thank you for taking care of him.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that but I suppose, you’re welcome,” Sebastian responds, returning the hug before they part. “And you know you can show up anytime if you want to see him.” He offers.

And, with another smile and nod, Richard is out the door, leaving the two men alone once again. 

Sebastian sighs, bracing himself before going back towards the bathroom. It wasn’t hard taking care of Jim, he wasn’t too much it was just…tiring, as much as he hated to admit it. He had to make sure the other wasn’t hurting himself, doing too much at once, pushing himself, that he hasn’t hit his head again. And, for anyone that knew Jim, they knew that he one: hated taking orders from anyone, even if it was a doctor; two: was constantly pushing himself; three: always had more going on at once than most people could handle in weeks of working. While this has slowed him some and he wasn’t still working, he was still not wanting to listen to orders and constantly pushing what his body was ready to do. 

So, when Sebastian reached the bathroom to find Jim sitting on the floor of the shower with it running, he would like to say he was surprised but he really wasn’t. Instead, he walks over, taking his shirt off as he goes and emptying his pockets. Sliding into the shower, he pulls Jim up against his chest and holds him in place. 

“What happened, Jimmy?” He asks, softly, wondering if he had fallen down or just decided to sit before that happened. His hand finds its way into the smaller man’s hair, going through it gently, still cautious of the scarring wound that was there. 

“Room was spinning,” Jim responds, voice soft and mumbled, his head leaning back against Sebastian’s shoulder, eyes closed, looking more pale than normal, Sebastian would dare say a little green as well. 

“Did you sit down?” He asks, “Or fall?” It was clear the other wasn’t going to start volunteering more information but needed to know if he had hit his head or might be injured in any way.  
“Sat.” He mumbles and Sebastian nods, reaching over and turning off the water before grabbing the towel Jim had brought with him and starting to dry them off as much as he could in their current position, not wanting to move Jim too much.

As soon as that was done, his arms go around him, picking him up and carrying him to bed. With a kiss to his forehead, Sebastian goes and returns moments later with a pair of boxers that he pulls onto Jim before removing his own wet shorts and replacing them with some to wear to bed. As an afterthought, he finds a trash bin and moves it next to their bed, just in case.  
With that done, he lays down next to the other man, carefully pulling him into his arms. “Feeling any better?” He whispers to him, softly with a kiss to his cheek. He was thinking that, while Jim was still too pale, he was looking a little less green which he was taking as a good sign.

Jim starts to nod but realizes that it was a bad decision, a sound close to a whine escaping him, so he speaks instead. “A little, yeah.” 

“You look tired, kitten, go on, and sleep. It’s going to be okay.” Sebastian assures him and, really, with every day it was becoming a little more okay. For once, he believed those words.   
He watches Jim drifting off to sleep and it wasn’t long before he does the same with a small smile on his face. Soon, he’ll need to be awake and check on Jim’s web but, for now, he gets to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took too long considering how short it is, sorry. I still don't really know an endpoint and was trying to figure that out.   
> Kudos and comments are welcome.


	9. Chapter 9

It was a couple of hours later that Sebastian awoke, but not to go and get started on the work he needed to do, no, to the man next to him moving entirely too much and kicking in his sleep, a couple landing quite hard on Sebastian’s legs and side. He sat up and looks down at the other man, feeling like this was something that occurs all too often these days, Jim having nightmares and Sebastian having to wake him up, just to save him from them.

Reaching over, he rubs the man's arm gently to slowly wake him up, kissing his cheek softly. “Jimmy, wake up, kitten.” He whispers, but it doesn’t work, if anything the movement becomes more, Jim fighting against him properly now, trying to pull away from the touch, small sounds leaving him that get increasingly louder. Sebastian hates it, he sounds scared, as though he’s being hurt, even if he logically knows he isn’t, he doesn’t know where his mind is.

Sebastian doesn’t know what to do, how to break the dream, and get through to Jim, especially with how violent he seems to be getting. In a moment of uncertainty and panic, he gets over the man, holding his arms down on either side so that Jim is laying face down on the pillows. 

“Wake up.” He says, loudly and clearly, shaking him. Perhaps it wasn’t the best thing to do but it was effective. 

Jim wakes up with a gasp, eyes wide but still struggling, only now more coherently. With what the dream was about, waking up in this position, unknowing who was on top of him made too much sense. Was everything before a dream? It felt a little too real for that like he had been watching his past, or someone else’s but no, it had to be his, right?

It only takes Sebastian a moment to realize that Jim is awake and move off him but it still felt entirely too long to Jim who felt as though he was stuck inside one of the worst nightmares he’s ever had. 

Laying next to him, Sebastian reaches out and pulls him in closer, face to face so Jim could see who he was, hoping to calm some of the fears that Sebastian could tell the man had after whatever his nightmare was about. 

For a moment, there is silence as Jim catches his breath and looks around, grounding himself with the room around him and touches from Sebastian while remembering where he is. That the nightmare, if that was all it was, wasn’t something that was happening, not at the moment at least and that he was with Sebastian and no one else. He was safe in bed. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sebastian whispers into the quiet darkness around them, not wanting to scare Jim by talking too loud or pulling him from his thoughts. 

Jim hesitates for a moment, not sure if it was something he wanted to share or not. What was the worst that could happen? He asks himself only for thoughts like Sebastian being disgusted in him, leaving him, and judging him entered his mind helpfully. But on the other side, maybe he would know something and could confirm if it was only a nightmare or not, or maybe talking about it would help Jim remember? It was a chance he was willing to take to learn. 

Besides, maybe it was something that Sebastian already knew about him and everything would be alright. He was the man that told him about the job he used to have, the business Sebastian was still running for him. He couldn’t really complain about it, or shouldn’t, that would be hypocritical of him.

So, he started, “I was younger, I don’t know how old, teenager maybe?” He suggests, trying to think about what he had seen in the dream, “There was a man screaming, he seemed really angry, holding up someone that was either me or Richie, I’m not sure, I think it was Richie though. It was strange I wasn’t exactly myself in the dream but watching from the side. They couldn’t tell I was there or see me.” He explains, his hands moving as he talks to make the story a little more real. 

“Anyway, the man was a lot bigger and what I think was teen me came over with a knife and stabbed him in the neck.” He says, casually, or more so than most people would when talking about murder, especially taking into account that Jim didn’t know if it really was just a dream. He felt numb, still in shock from what he had just seen and unsure how to feel. 

“The man fell down and Richie was in my arms, hugging. It didn’t last long, there was a woman screaming next and I went over, took the knife from his neck and done the same to her. There was blood everywhere, covering both of us and the walls, everything.” He whispers, voice getting quieter as he speaks, the meaning behind the words starting to hit him, the weight of them. “There was so much blood.” 

“I mean there was a lot of screaming as well, I could tell by how younger me was walking he was hurt, he was limping and it was like I could feel the pain even if we weren’t in the same body, bruises, broken bones, cuts, there was blood on the clothes I had on, all of it. It hurt and it was clear that Richie was going to be soon and I just…” He trails off, taking a shaky breath admitting the part that scared him most, “Sebastian, I don’t know if it was a dream or something I just remembered. There was something different about it from normal dreams and I think it actually happened. Do you know or do I need to ask Richie or…? I don’t really want to bring it up with him but I don’t know anyone else that would know other than you and I need to know if I killed them and who they were.” He was speaking fast as thought to get it all out at once, his breathing was speeding up as he started to panic. 

Sebastian wraps his arms around him a little tighter, rubbing his back in an attempt to calm him down, “Breath, Jimmy, it’s okay, no need to worry.” He whispers even though he wasn’t sure he believed his own words, especially with how Jim is now before though, it would have all been fine. Sebastian can’t help but not care if Jim killed his parents, from what he knew they deserved what they got. He wasn’t sure what of this would be helpful for Jim to hear now though. 

“I don’t know if it happened or not, but I do know your parents are dead. You never told me where they went or what happened but, yeah. They were abusive and they’re dead now so there’s a chance that it was them.” Was that something he should be admitting to? Would it make the panicking worse? Sebastian wasn’t sure but he did know this wasn’t something to be keeping from him, not now of all times. 

The words were and weren’t what Jim wanted to hear from the other. On one hand, at least it wasn’t someone who was innocent if it was there abusive parents, they deserved it more than other’s might have, but on the other, what if it wasn’t? And it was still more people he had killed. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to get over that. How did he do that before the incident? 

He wanted to know how many people he had killed in his life but fear that the number might be higher than three prevented him from asking Sebastian just how many there had been.

“We’ll call Richard later, when it’s not the middle of the night, okay? He offered to help more and he’ll know. Perhaps we’ll invite him over for lunch or something.” Sebastian says, looking down at Jim who was now clinging to him. It hurt him to see the other man like this, someone who was once so strong and never thought twice about killing someone who deserved it now hating himself for what made him so proud, his life’s work. 

Jim nods in response as Sebastian pulls him in closer, laying back on the bed as the other man starts to calm down. “Okay, yeah, that will be okay.” He says, softly, looking up at him. While his breathing was becoming more controlled he couldn’t help the look of panic that remained on his face. 

Sebastian returns to rubbing his back, trying to calm him more as he holds him close, knowing what usually works. “Think about it this way, if what you saw was true then what you did was saving your brother’s life. You’ve always been protective of him, it’s something you would do.” He’s seen Jim kill for his twin more times than he can count, the smaller man was extremely protective, but he knows now to mention this now. “It was self-defense from how your dream sounded, it was what you needed to do if it was real.” 

Jim nods at what he was being told and, even if he shouldn’t, he starts to slowly calm down more, shaking less as he catches his breath and starts to relax. It was what needed to be done, it was just him saving his brother’s life and his own. An innocent life was saved as he killed his father. What was he to do with this information? 

As he relaxes into Sebastian’s hold enough to begin drifting off to sleep, one thing becomes clear; that was not just a dream he had just experienced, it was a memory from when he was a teen.

There was no work getting done that night as Sebastian decides that it would be best for him to stay with Jim throughout the night in case he wakes up from a nightmare once again and was alone this time. He knew from previous experiences that this could be a lot worse than it was if he was there. The last time it happened was still burned in his mind, something he knew he wouldn’t be forgetting for a long time, even if Jim didn’t remember it now. 

Jim makes it through the night without waking again, thought his sleep does seem to be less than calm from what Sebastian can tell, he’s moving around a lot and mumbling on occasion but at least the fighting and screaming seems to have been left out this time around.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a while but I finally got another chapter done.

“I want to start working again,” Jim states, looking at Sebastian, standing in front of him. “I’m sure I won’t be able to do anything but you said there was some paperwork and people to order around that I used to enjoy doing and I would like to get back to doing that.” 

Sebastian looks at him, hesitant, “Jim, I’m not sure about that. I mean, you’re still having nightmares over this and what you’ve done in the past with it.” He reminds him, “Is it best to jump back into it?” 

“I could do it before, I’m sure I could do it again. Besides, the doctors were recommending me getting back into my usual routine, saying it would help with the memories. I hate not knowing so much. If this could help I want to get back to it. Besides, I’m bored sitting around all the time with nothing to do.” 

With a breath and a moment's consideration, Sebastian nods thinking he at least sounds like the old Jim again. “Okay, you’re right, of course, you are. I’ll start getting somethings together for you. Of course, it’s still your company but with me running it the last few months I’ve messed up your system I’m sure, and have new things going on. How about starting Monday? Give me the rest of this week to sort things out and get it ready for you.” He offers. 

Jim nods, “Okay, that sounds good.” He wasn’t going to complain about having some more time to prepare himself mentally as well. Sebastian was right, this might not be the best idea but he hated doing nothing and wanted to try anything to remember. 

“Alright, then it’s decided,” He says, giving Jim a quick kiss, “I’ll go get started on some of it then, don’t have much time right now. I’ll be back in an hour and we’ll start dinner. Will you be alright until then?” 

Jim rolls his eyes, “Of course, Bastian, I’m not going to die in an hour with you across the house. I’ll find something to do. Go, get to work, you have to be done by Monday.”

Sebastian smiles, enjoying Jim starting to sound more and more like his old self, even if it was just when he was bossing him around. He always secretly enjoyed it anyway and they both knew it. 

He turns and leaves the room, heading to the office, leaving Jim behind on the sofa with his laptop to provide some entertainment. 

Sebastian was true to what he said and an hour later he was walking back to the sofa, smiling down at Jim, “Progress has been made but it’s time for dinner now, want to help or are you too invested in something to do that?” He asks, keeping his tone light, giving Jim the option, it was something that used to happen more often than not, Jim getting busy and not helping or eating at all. If he wanted things back to normal then Sebastian would go along with it and make it as normal as he could. 

“I think I’m okay,” Jim responds, putting his laptop to the side and holding a hand out so Sebastian could take it and helped him up. 

“Anything specific you’re thinking?” 

“Pasta?” Jim suggests and Sebastian nods in response. 

“Sounds like a plan to me.” 

They spent the next hour preparing and eating dinner, making light conversation about the progress Sebastian had made on getting things set up for Jim to begin taking the company back over.   
“So does everyone know what happened?” He asks, looking up from his plate, a little hesitant to know the answer. 

“Not exactly,” Sebastian responds, giving a smile, noticing the other’s body language, “They know something went wrong and I’ve taken over. Only a few knew what the plan was and even fewer know exactly what has happened. If you’d like I can tell them that you’re coming back.”

Jim nods, “It might be best if you do. I would like them to know who their orders are coming from and I don’t know how well they respond to you but I am sure they did anything I said.” It was more of a statement than a question. He wasn’t sure how but he knew that the men that worked for him did anything he asked of them. 

“Yeah, if they didn’t you’d have that solved quickly. Anyone that wouldn’t listen you didn’t want working for you.” Sebastian informs him, watching to see how he would react to the information. The topic of murder had been a sketchy one previously and he wanted to see if it changed at all. 

Jim nods but doesn’t say anything about it. That did sound like something the old him would do and something the new him was going to have to get used to again. He was sure he could do it, even if it took him a while. 

“Can we just have a shower and go to bed now?” He asks, not going to admit to it but talking about things like this still makes him feel dirty and like a shower was needed before anything else could be accomplished. 

Sebastian nods, “Yeah, I’ll clean up here if you think you can go get everything ready for the shower?” He suggests, standing and grabbing the plates as Jim goes to get them clothes and fresh towels ready, then working to sort the water temperature before the other returned. 

An hour later found them laying in bed, Jim’s head on Sebastian’s chest. Both were lost in thought about how things were going, thinking how the next day would go, memories either good or bad that would come back and how either of them may affect them and their relationship. Neither could deny the worry that was haunting them but Jim was far from backing down on his decision to return to work.

-

The next day found Jim back on the sofa, searching over the news to see what was going on in the world, thinking it would be useful knowledge, while Sebastian continued sorting things out with the web and paperwork. 

He knew he could have finished sooner but there were a few things he was doing on his own, things he knew Jim wouldn’t have approved of before and he wanted to make sure those were finished before Jim stepped back in and found out about them. It really put a rush on it but he was sure there was enough time this weekend for everything that needed to be done to be finished.   
“Sebastian?” He heard Jim calling a couple of hours into his work. 

“Yeah?” He called back, standing up and walking into the room where he had left the man.

“What is this?” 

“What is what?” 

“I was looking at the news, seeing what’s going on, thought it would be helpful if I’m going back to running this business and I saw this.” He explains, motioning the man over to sit next to him, turning his laptop so he could see it. 

Sebastian looks, thinking it was going to be just something strange Jim had found, funny, stupid but it was far from that.

“Why do I feel like I’ve seen him before?” Jim asks, looking at Sebastian instead of the laptop.

Sebastian shrugs, “Looks like he could be one of the guys in the web, I don’t know.” He responds, “I have to go, there’s more work I need to get back to.” He stands, kissing Jim’s head before going back to the office. 

Jim watches him, knowing there was something going on that he wasn’t being told about and there was one thing he’s learned over the past couple months. 

He hates not knowing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are nice.

**Author's Note:**

> No butterflies were hurt in the writing of this chapter.  
> Jim was though  
> \---  
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated.


End file.
